Nine Ways that Writing a Paper is like Being Pregnant
Sex happens, and that means that sometimes babies happen, too. I have absolutely no idea what it’s like to be pregnant, so I can only assume that it’s exactly like writing a paper. (Logic!) Here’s what to expect when you’re expecting a term paper:
1. The cravings
Sometimes it’s 2:30AM and you realize that you haven’t eaten in ten hours. Your stomach realizes this soon after you do, and then it wants maple and brown sugar oatmeal like nobody’s business, despite the fact that you normally hate maple and brown sugar oatmeal. But hey, you’re eating for two (to twelve pages)—grab some mozz sticks while you’re at it.
2. The forced sobriety
I mean, I guess it’s not FORCED, per se. But if you insist on getting your drank on then be prepared for some sad consequences.
3. Swollen ankles
What can I say—if you’ve been sitting down for a really long time then the blood is going to go to your feet. Don’t be too surprised if you can’t zip up your favorite boots after a few weeks of papering.
4. The awkward resting (i.e. writing) positions
Momma’s gotta work where she’s gotta work. If that means being curled into a strange ball on the common room floor with extra pillows for back support, that’s where you have to be.
5. The odd sleep schedule
What’s that? You finally get to go to bed and then you feel an argument kicking at your skull? Fine, thesis statement, settle down. I’ll get up and type you out.
Sometimes it’s quick and easy and sometimes you’re pushing hard for two days straight. It has to get out somehow, and you’re the one who has to get it there. Now buckle down and make some magic happen.
7. The ineffective birthing coaches
Yeah, I know I should have started this three days ago. Thanks. No, I don’t have time to breathe. Oh, really, REALLY. Well if it’s so easy then why don’t you do it?!
8. The aftermath
You did it, and you’re pretty proud of yourself, but you really shouldn’t look at that thing until it gets cleaned up a little. Not that you’re a field of daisies at the moment, either. For the love of humanity (the humanities?), go take a shower and get some sleep.
9. The amnesia
They say* that the only reason a woman would ever have more than one child is that the crazy swirl of post-birth hormones makes her forget how much it all sucked. Studies show* that this is the same mechanism that allows students to continue on through college after sophomore year.